Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Man You Should Marry

There are two kinds of people in the world.

Not cat people and dog people. Not K-State people and KU people. Not glass-half-empty people and glass-half-full people.

No, the two kinds of people in the world are soakers and non-soakers, and quite often one each of these two kinds of people find themselves married to each other.

I, myself, am a non-soaker. When I finish with a dish, I put it in the dishwasher and trust that soap, hot water, and 360-degree spray technology will remove the dregs of steel cut oats from my breakfast bowl. If a pan has contained something that has cooked itself to the surface of the pan with the stuck-on power of edible Super Glue, and removing that gunk is clearly beyond the capabilities even of modern technology, I scrub that pan until it is clean.

What I don't do is soak.

Husband, on the other hand, is a soaker. He wants every speck of food contamination off of a dish before it goes into the dishwasher (even though our WONDERFUL new dishwasher could clean the spots off of a leopard), and if a casserole dish is crusty, it goes into the sink filled with hot water and dish soap, where it sits until someone (other than he) is ready to wash it.

Yesterday we had this discussion for the ninety-quintillionth time.

"I KNOW you like to soak things," I told him in my most patient voice, "and that means eventually I get to dump out dishes filled with cold, slimy, disgusting water. With chunks floating in them. Just use the scrubbie and scrub a little."

He looked properly abashed but started to explain himself..

"You know, some women would appreciate that their husbands put the dishes in the sink..." and he trailed off because after almost 29 years of marriage he knows that kind of outright malarkey DOES NOT FLY in our house. I rolled my eyes just a little, and went to work.

When I came home, I found he'd had the last laugh. Not only was every dirty dish filled with soapy water, he had supplemented the dirty dishes with clean dinnerware out of the cupboards to make sure every inch the sink was filled with containers of cold, slimy, residually-soapy water.

He even thought to fill the spoon I had used to eat my steel-cut oats:

Bachelorettes out there, you may have your caps set for a famous athlete or movie star as the best marriage fodder but you're looking for love in all the wrong places. You should be scouting out CPAs instead: Accountants have the best senses of humor. 

Also, they can do your taxes.


  1. Delurking to say this was one of those "surprises" I received after marrying my husband that no one thinks to tell you that you should discuss before you get married. Growing up, we were not allowed to soak dishes. My mom just would not have it. So, I can't stand soaking. My husband. A soaker. 15 years in we still run up against this issue. Engaged people, iron this critical issue out before wedding.

  2. Oh my... I am a soaker (and proud of it!). Husband is not. He also has yet to find the kitchen sink (and we've lived here 17 years ... one day, one day).
    I love and trust my dishwasher to do what it does, but for non-dishwashable items and cups and bowls my husband leaves in strange places, soaking is a must. Since I'm the one that has to clean them once soaking is complete, husband doesn't argue with me about this.
    Many of our weekly arguments start with me kindly mentioning that "a little bit of water would make a big difference".

  3. Maggie! Good to see you! We should co-write a post about the various things engaged couples should negotiate. Soaking. Toilet paper roll-age. Nighttime fans. It goes on and on. Twisterfish, you're the only female soaker who has emerged from this discussion. I stand in awe of your reasonableness.

  4. I'm a writer and I've got to say, this is a fine piece of writing. I really enjoyed the twist at the end.