Tuesday, August 30, 2011

If a Hurricane Ever Hits Kansas

The media coverage of Hurricane Irene (which was described as wall-to-wall but which I would more accurately describe as wall-to-wall-and-over-the-ceiling-and-floor-as-well) reminded me that there are several steps I should take if a hurricane ever threatens to hit Kansas.

1. Stock up on plywood. Those new windows in the House on the Corner cost more than original price of the entire house (no, I am not kidding) so if there's not enough plywood to cover every window, station a spare Boy in front of each one.

2. Run to the store for milk. If power is going to be off for a week in this 105-degree weather, make sure there's plenty in the refrigerator to spoil.

3. Fill the bathtub. This water can be used for flushing the toilet, handwashing, and bucket baths. However, it cannot be used (as I saw one commentator suggest) for drinking, because I have cleaned that bathtub over the course of 25 years of Boy-baths and let's just say that if I were truly thirsty I would stand outside with my mouth open to the rain before I would drink from that tub.

4. Get ready for my close-up. If my calculations were right, there was not a single person on the entire East Coast not interviewed during this catastrophe, and with the comparatively small population in Kansas, I'm sure to be on camera at least once. And that leads me to my final and most important point, 

5. Put on some clothes already. The cameras seem to gravitate toward the underdressed and the undressed (a la the guy who flashed The Weather Channel), and I believe we can all agree that if I'm going to be immortalized on CNN I would want to be wearing more than a pair of gym shorts.

And with that, I believe I'm prepared for the next hurricane that hits Kansas.

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