Wednesday, February 25, 2015

An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark,

You don't mind if I call you Mark, do you? I think of us as, well, FRIENDS even though it appears you sometimes can be kind of a jerk. I know that you either invented Facebook or at least are making all the money in the world from it, but I have spent enough time with your baby that I would like to make a few suggestions for you. (I do the same thing with the parents of any babies I'm around--I have Thoughts and Suggestions.)

Here are the things I do not want to see on Facebook:

  • Quizzes that reveal my friends' spirit animals, or the color they really are, or the name they should have been born with, or the president they would have been, or the '50s song they most resemble. 
  • Or any quizzes. Gaaaaaaaag.
  • The miracle products being sold by any of my friends. I do not want to buy their miracle products. Life is a miracle! Anything more is too many miracles!
  • Pictures of food. Food that is ordered at restaurants, food that is cooked at home, any food. Except for cute cupcakes. Bring on the pictures of cute cupcakes.
  • More than five messages per week from friends who are "feeling really cranky today," because at that point this status has become the rule rather than the exception and status updates should be deviations from the norm. 
  • Status updates about the idiocy of Kansas politics and politicians, because see previous point.

Here are the things I want to see more of on Facebook:
  • More videos of my son wearing purple celebration pants and playing the accordion, and of my son (a different one) wearing a panda hat or a Krispy Kreme paper hat.
  • Heck, more pictures of any kind of my sons (and Lovely Girl). And of my siblings and their families. And my friends and their families, especially if the friends are waving pompoms. 
  • The jokes posted by my next door neighbor, which are so terrible that they make me laugh all day.
Everything else seems to be in about the right proportions--enough to make me appreciate the glimpse into my friends' lives, but not so much as to make me want to gouge out my eyes. Except for the quizzes. The quizzes threaten my vision. 

This isn't too much to ask, is it, Mark? I mean, you seem to be able to change Facebook randomly every couple of weeks so that I have to rejigger my approach to it, and it would be a nice gesture to change it to my specifications. 

Thank you, and thank you for being my friend!


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