World Turned Upside Down: It's About to Get Ugly

I feel as if this post needs to come with some trigger alerts.

Did you ever see a pair of scissors on the edge of the bathroom vanity when you were four years old and think "I wonder how sharp these scissors are? Would they cut hair?" then a few minutes later see the horrified look on your mother's face as she realizes you no longer have a pixie cut, but a demented frankencut that would ruin the family portrait that year?

Did you ever think to yourself "My bangs are really getting on my nerves but the rest of my hair seems to be okay. I'll just trim off a little," then hear your hairdresser say "Don't ever, ever, ever do that again. Ever."?

Did you ever think "How hard could it be to cut boy hair? Let's see, four boys times $15 per cut would save me...Holy cow! $60 a month! I'm rich!" and then have to put up with actual tears when you made them go back to school for the first time?

It will shock you not at all to know that I am the person in all of those scenarios, so if you've had similar experiences it will also shock you not at all to know that in the fifth week of the pandemic beauty parlor shut-down my hair hit the tipping point of driving me crazy. That coincided with finding our old Wahl Homecut system in the sewing room last week, as well as a pack of my mother-in-law's bobby pins that for some unknown reason I had kept when we cleaned out her apartment.

And in spite of my past history with do-it-myself haircuts, that seemed like an omen, because this morning I looked in the mirror and saw this:

Whoops. That was where the trigger alert should have been. Even the Singing Butler's umbrella-holding maid behind me seems to be overcome by...shock? Horror?  My hair, which is thin and fine, is normally cut much shorter and product-ed into a semblance of normal style. But in my defense, because my hair is thin and fine and I'm not seeing anyone except Husband, my hair style technique has become "Don't look into mirrors." Also in my defense, this was post-workout and pre-shower.

I've trained for this moment for years, though, by watching countless Facebook videos of women cutting their own hair and then looking at themselves with appalled eyes. Also, I actually owned, and used, a FlowBee.



I always knew I'd regret selling it at a garage sale for $2, but since none of the Boys had let me near their heads with it for at least a decade, I thought the shelf space could have been put to better use. The packrat in me is grinning smugly and saying "Told ya so."

So this morning I decided I'd had enough of the situation on the top of my head, and set to work with the shears and fancy comb out of the clipper set. I wet down my hair with the spray bottle that lives next to the ironing board, then bobby-pinned back the middle section and started around my face, making the tiny diagonal cuts the pros use in YouTube videos. Obviously those barbers don't have two bum shoulders each, though, because by the time I'd finished with the bangs and ear areas, my technique had changed drastically. Here's the new technique:

1. Use hand mirror to check the back of my head.
2. Grab a medium-sized handful of hair.
3. WHACK!

It was much easier than all that fiddly-fiddly snippy-snippy stuff. And do you know what? Not only do I not have to look at it, no one on any of the half-dozen Zoom meetings I have every week is seeing me from behind.

Here's the "after," in which I'm giving thanks that even though my hair is thin and fine it also has some natural curl, and Tresemme Flawless Curls mousse is a miracle product. Also, I've shifted photo studios to the downstairs bathroom where the light is better.

It feels much better and the umbrella-holding maid isn't saying a word.